October 28, 2010

Big dilemma. The film festival I work for has been postponed to April. This alone is not that big of a deal, but the fact that my brother's wedding is a week before the festival kick-off is. I am terribly torn because I feel like I'd be jumping ship at the hottest of times (I am the only person in the office) where there's so much to be done, but I don't wanna miss out on my baby brother tying the knot on.a.beach. in the sunny South smack dab in the middle of Germany's rainy season. Granted, I knew I'd be faced with such decisions the day I said "ja" to my German husband and his German life. But, it just doesn't get any easier. I remember the day my grandma died. We were in the process of moving, the boys were all crazy attention-deprived little people because moves are hard like that, and I was bone-tired, wanna-lie-in-bed-all-day-and-cry, pooped out to the max. The night before Maw-Maw's funeral I was too exhausted to register not being there. But, the day of her funeral I was a mess. I wanted to pack everyone up and jet off, but I was frozen. I walked aimlessly from room to room, feeling like an American semi had just run me over, looking at the boys and my tired husband, knowing all the while that the dotted line had won the coin toss all those years ago. I wanted at that very moment to be a kid again. I wanted my folks to grab my hand, pull me on the plane, take me to see my brother, sisters, aunts, uncles, and cousins who I missed so much, and make this decision for me, but they were already gone and I was all-grown up with two precious babes who were needing me to hold their hands and promise I wouldn't go anywhere. Darn it anyway! So, yeah. Here I am again. I'm sure it won't be the last time and I'm sure that it won't be any easier. Gonna (and gotta) keep rockin' on rockin' on I guess...

In celebration of embracing decisions even though making them sometimes bites the big one.

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